Losing Wait

Times a'wasting....feel like time is rushing no where fast. This is just a brief intermission on this journey of mine called "Self Realization". While I endulge in this paraphanalia I sit back and wonder what am I waiting for? Shit what are you waiting for? I have started releasing my thoughts via blog and journel to have my realities laid out in front of me and to get a better understanding of this complex gemini soul of mine. Nikki Giovanni has done it. I dont know if its brought her substantial wealth but a piece of mind beats the amount of any check. I see people sit back and say they submerge themselves in work and watch the money pile up and thats not living. Thats not life. Im not saying it doesnt work but they do what works for them and I do what works for me. I have a great job. At one point of time was top sales rep, and I was allowed an outfit every check, maintained the "bossy" look everyweek paid a carnote on a brand new car helped with the mortgage and still kept money in my pockets and in the bank. I would get off Friday and be ecstatic...until I had to go back to the planatation on Sunday depressed, upset and unhappy. I woke up one day and realized that im getting NOWHERE fast. I genuinely worked there because I got paid. Some people view this as success but I mean wheres the success in working all day to pay for a bed you cant sleep in and a house you cant live in because all your time is spent AT work? I view this as complacency. Doing overtime to make a few extra bucks uhhhhhhhhhhhhh ok. I worked in a place where there was and still is no job security and by the time I got home I took a nap, worked out did whatever and stopped in time to put my little one to sleep (Ever notice the time go by sooooooooooooooo slow at your 9to5 but seemed to fly by from 5 {or in my case 2:30} to bed time too fast?) So one day I woke up and said im tired of doing nothing. That is not my dream. My dream is to have my family and rear it. EVERYBODY knows that the American dream is not making money. The real American dream is working less and making more money. Thats where im at now. I had to really analyze my situation at the time and just STOP!!! thats it. I stopped. I wasnt happy about my situation and I wasnt doing anything about that until I stopped. Sometimes you have to go left in order to go right and right now the best way to stop being complacent was in actuality to stop. Sounds funny huh?.....Complacency is contagious and its a horrible disease to catch. From time to time I find myself in a stupor of a pickle and its not an intentional feeling you just find yourself dwindling in a certain space, a certain position and thats where I have been for the (sigh) last few years and I now realize a portion of this complacency partly stems from fear. Fear is all relative but boy is it a MFer. I stayed because I was guaranteed a good paycheck. I mastered the art of bullshitting on the phone so well I did it during naps in front of my computer. "I love you boy" "when we gon do it" "Im upset with you" text messages while apologizing about some crap that wasnt my fault. I truly was in my comfort zone. Still am because I still work there only difference is, is now that is on the backburner to what I think I want to do now. I truly will never know what I want to do but im taking a chance on this and failure is not an option. Too much is riding on this and besides I cant fail. Failure is not trying something out and having the desired outcomes. Thats called trail &error. All youve merely done is found another something that doesnt work that way. What failure is is NOT trying, not giving yourself a chance to succeed. Spending nights wondering "If I did this XYZ time ago I wonder...." Those days for me are over. Theres a bible verse that always stood out to me to the point that I crossed out Abrams name and put my name in his place.

Genesis 12: 1-3

1 The LORD had said to Abram (Farrah), "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.
2 "I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.
3 I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you."

Says alot because when you step out on your own, you have no choice but to succeed. All you have is you and GOD. Its easy to stay in a comfortable surrounding, stay in what you know. I dare you to step out. My current position allows me to put me first. Do some soul searching knowing that finding myself will in actuality be me putting my son first. That now makes money making my 3rd option for now. Theres a season for everything and right now my season is designed for self discovery.


Ego tripping....Yea I gotta be bold, gotta have tough skin. This journey isnt for the weak or insecure. You have to be secure in yourself bc THE CREATOR went out of his way to make us all different but we all fight to be the same. One girl get her lip pierced......everybody got it. 1 dude rocked skinny jeans and now everyone is rocking them. I dare you to stand out and be different and im okay with getting the side eye. You'll eventually catch on like you always do

Hotep

I closed my eyes and I unplugged.....

The time have come where it really is time for a change. I have decided to delete my Myspace. Though it hasnt been used in ages, I got attached to the comfort of knowing that it was there. I really dont see a need for it anymore besides exposing my Santana and showing my ass figuratively and literally. Anyone that knows me know that Farrah is all about embracing change. I was going over this in my mind and No I didnt meditate on it. Growth kinda solidifys change when it is time. This change was always in the making and it took for Neo to unplug from the Matrix. I prepared for the deletion by creating a Facebook and I HATE it. Ironic huh? Never considered making one and with my back being against the wall I did and the experience is horrible. Im running into old highschool friends that have gotten fat and just all weird with beards. People that I forgot about or didnt even care to hear from again are now coexistent online. Some of the biggest dorks are still irrelevant and all the highschool shones are now church women. Like we can really forget about you doing the whole football team in the boys locker room (fact, not rumor) just because you now keep a bible avatar and scriptures on your wall....ANYWAYS, I have adopted the nature of the American Indian where silence doesnt mean lack of interest or disrespect it infact means the opposite. It is because I respect each and every last one of you guys that Im going through with this. Not just the Myspace but social websites period. Nothing personal if this is your "thing" I just realized that if it werent for Myspace, Facebook, blackplanet (do ppl still use this website?), Moco/Mogo space?? and whatever social site is out (im still liking twitter, but evidently that too must also go)would I want to know if Ben and Laury made it through highschool? Do I really want to compliment on your pictures? I was taught that if you dont have nothing nice to say, dont say anything at all. Actually I was never taught this, I just know that I shouldnt tell you that your daughter got the ugliest widows peak and and all your worst features....Im getting off subject, Im just realizing that there are a select few that I make it my duty to call, text, email, plan outtings with on a regular bases. Those who never needed the K.I.T message because we never lost touch and im realizing that theres a reason why some of them didnt make it to my future. How they got lost in the cracks of "i'll call u backs" and "I got a new phone must update the new numbers". Anything, something that indicates youre much more than a page a phony message and an occasional shout out on your comments and No I will never select the No option when you comment on my page "Do you like me?" Theres a reason that you didnt make it into my future, why you dont know whats happening in my life now and most importantly why we are no longer friends. Friend back then carried a different meaning. The adolecent age (12-19) development task is Identity vs. Confusion. That means youre young at the stage, still trying to come to terms with who you are and what role you will play in this society. Believe me, I am far from confused about who I am and what I am to do. I needed these friends then, they comforted me when my mom wouldnt let me get a relaxer back then. They stood in line with me when the new Js came out and rocked them first to class, and if we didnt wear them first, we didnt want them. And now I realized, im good. I dont need these people to validate me, Im well past knowing if the thoughts that I do think are the right ones, if the decisions I make will have me standing alone? I have in all honesty outgrown you, congrats on the new babys, congrats on the new wife, the wedding. You my friend have done your part So why am I trying to hold on to my youth? im a woman now...its my SUNs turn to SHINE. You people have served your purpose and have served it well. I dont need a congregation. I now move in silence...blessings, adieu whatever, however this is my final goodbye