Times a'wasting....feel like time is rushing no where fast. This is just a brief intermission on this journey of mine called "Self Realization". While I endulge in this paraphanalia I sit back and wonder what am I waiting for? Shit what are you waiting for? I have started releasing my thoughts via blog and journel to have my realities laid out in front of me and to get a better understanding of this complex gemini soul of mine. Nikki Giovanni has done it. I dont know if its brought her substantial wealth but a piece of mind beats the amount of any check. I see people sit back and say they submerge themselves in work and watch the money pile up and thats not living. Thats not life. Im not saying it doesnt work but they do what works for them and I do what works for me. I have a great job. At one point of time was top sales rep, and I was allowed an outfit every check, maintained the "bossy" look everyweek paid a carnote on a brand new car helped with the mortgage and still kept money in my pockets and in the bank. I would get off Friday and be ecstatic...until I had to go back to the planatation on Sunday depressed, upset and unhappy. I woke up one day and realized that im getting NOWHERE fast. I genuinely worked there because I got paid. Some people view this as success but I mean wheres the success in working all day to pay for a bed you cant sleep in and a house you cant live in because all your time is spent AT work? I view this as complacency. Doing overtime to make a few extra bucks uhhhhhhhhhhhhh ok. I worked in a place where there was and still is no job security and by the time I got home I took a nap, worked out did whatever and stopped in time to put my little one to sleep (Ever notice the time go by sooooooooooooooo slow at your 9to5 but seemed to fly by from 5 {or in my case 2:30} to bed time too fast?) So one day I woke up and said im tired of doing nothing. That is not my dream. My dream is to have my family and rear it. EVERYBODY knows that the American dream is not making money. The real American dream is working less and making more money. Thats where im at now. I had to really analyze my situation at the time and just STOP!!! thats it. I stopped. I wasnt happy about my situation and I wasnt doing anything about that until I stopped. Sometimes you have to go left in order to go right and right now the best way to stop being complacent was in actuality to stop. Sounds funny huh?.....Complacency is contagious and its a horrible disease to catch. From time to time I find myself in a stupor of a pickle and its not an intentional feeling you just find yourself dwindling in a certain space, a certain position and thats where I have been for the (sigh) last few years and I now realize a portion of this complacency partly stems from fear. Fear is all relative but boy is it a MFer. I stayed because I was guaranteed a good paycheck. I mastered the art of bullshitting on the phone so well I did it during naps in front of my computer. "I love you boy" "when we gon do it" "Im upset with you" text messages while apologizing about some crap that wasnt my fault. I truly was in my comfort zone. Still am because I still work there only difference is, is now that is on the backburner to what I think I want to do now. I truly will never know what I want to do but im taking a chance on this and failure is not an option. Too much is riding on this and besides I cant fail. Failure is not trying something out and having the desired outcomes. Thats called trail &error. All youve merely done is found another something that doesnt work that way. What failure is is NOT trying, not giving yourself a chance to succeed. Spending nights wondering "If I did this XYZ time ago I wonder...." Those days for me are over. Theres a bible verse that always stood out to me to the point that I crossed out Abrams name and put my name in his place.
Genesis 12: 1-3
1 The LORD had said to Abram (Farrah), "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.
2 "I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.
3 I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you."
Says alot because when you step out on your own, you have no choice but to succeed. All you have is you and GOD. Its easy to stay in a comfortable surrounding, stay in what you know. I dare you to step out. My current position allows me to put me first. Do some soul searching knowing that finding myself will in actuality be me putting my son first. That now makes money making my 3rd option for now. Theres a season for everything and right now my season is designed for self discovery.
Ego tripping....Yea I gotta be bold, gotta have tough skin. This journey isnt for the weak or insecure. You have to be secure in yourself bc THE CREATOR went out of his way to make us all different but we all fight to be the same. One girl get her lip pierced......everybody got it. 1 dude rocked skinny jeans and now everyone is rocking them. I dare you to stand out and be different and im okay with getting the side eye. You'll eventually catch on like you always do
Hotep
No comments:
Post a Comment