RIP Potty Mouth

Heard something and I just slept with it and carried it with me until it came bursting out. Ive been guilty of it and ive checked myself about it on several occasions but never enough to no longer indulge in it. While discussing it with my girls, some admit to being a victim of it but 2 similar responses caught my attention and stuck with me. I just hope it sticks even when im provoked. In relationships we feel we have to argue yell and act out all in the name of love. This proves how hard we love this person because if they really didnt matter would they evoke this emotion out of us? No they wouldnt is what one would think BUT the answer is quite opposite. Yes they would but if you are important to me and vice versa there should be a way for us to express our discomforts to each other without bringing each other down and most definitely without the insults. We have a habit of perpertuating these bad habits in relationships instead of being pro-peace, overstanding and taking the relationship to the next level and actually not indulge in bringing each other down. One girlfriend says she never comes "outta pocket" in a disagreement because shes only mad for the moment, she will get over said argument and wont say anything that will jeopardize the relationships tomorrow. My other friend said "what ive been through in the past has nothing to do with what we're fussing about now." LIGHTBULB If we cared for them in the least bit wouldnt it be then that we would have control over our tongues and hold back? Besides there is some truth to the venom being spewed because we in all honesty just want that person to feel the pain that we feel or have felt from what they've said. We just want to pass that energy back and make them feel it too. Things that sauntered through our thoughts and goods and not so goods in our relationships that we do notice that would normally be omitted from conversation because they in actuality dont build the relationship have their place to be released and its to the universe not to the important one. Dealing with situations like this ive realized that ive gotten good but good needs to get better. Im working towards not arguing PERIOD. Not with my boyfriend, bestfriend, mom, dad, sisters, brothers...you get the point. I want to master a way to express myself and not indulge in a disagreement without having the other party feel as if Im downplaying, or avoiding a situation which is what ive been faced with as of today. What ive also started doing is sending it right back. As in let it bounce off of me and let u have it. So every bad word, evil wish and sad song i sent it back to the argue-y. I am no longer a part of it. Now I am still growing so I do have the tendency to renig whenever my self esteem gets low (yea rite, like u dont have down times) and thats something that I am also dealing with. I gotta recognize my emotional "cycle" it may not help but I always apologize never sorry am I. My friends who have made this decision early appear genuinely happier than us with the potty mouth syndrome. So as a woman its time to put the potty mouth to bed. So unbecoming of us to remain so hateful, vindictive and spiteful. Im free of and from all this. Ive done my part in destroying some relationships and im done.

Losing Wait

Times a'wasting....feel like time is rushing no where fast. This is just a brief intermission on this journey of mine called "Self Realization". While I endulge in this paraphanalia I sit back and wonder what am I waiting for? Shit what are you waiting for? I have started releasing my thoughts via blog and journel to have my realities laid out in front of me and to get a better understanding of this complex gemini soul of mine. Nikki Giovanni has done it. I dont know if its brought her substantial wealth but a piece of mind beats the amount of any check. I see people sit back and say they submerge themselves in work and watch the money pile up and thats not living. Thats not life. Im not saying it doesnt work but they do what works for them and I do what works for me. I have a great job. At one point of time was top sales rep, and I was allowed an outfit every check, maintained the "bossy" look everyweek paid a carnote on a brand new car helped with the mortgage and still kept money in my pockets and in the bank. I would get off Friday and be ecstatic...until I had to go back to the planatation on Sunday depressed, upset and unhappy. I woke up one day and realized that im getting NOWHERE fast. I genuinely worked there because I got paid. Some people view this as success but I mean wheres the success in working all day to pay for a bed you cant sleep in and a house you cant live in because all your time is spent AT work? I view this as complacency. Doing overtime to make a few extra bucks uhhhhhhhhhhhhh ok. I worked in a place where there was and still is no job security and by the time I got home I took a nap, worked out did whatever and stopped in time to put my little one to sleep (Ever notice the time go by sooooooooooooooo slow at your 9to5 but seemed to fly by from 5 {or in my case 2:30} to bed time too fast?) So one day I woke up and said im tired of doing nothing. That is not my dream. My dream is to have my family and rear it. EVERYBODY knows that the American dream is not making money. The real American dream is working less and making more money. Thats where im at now. I had to really analyze my situation at the time and just STOP!!! thats it. I stopped. I wasnt happy about my situation and I wasnt doing anything about that until I stopped. Sometimes you have to go left in order to go right and right now the best way to stop being complacent was in actuality to stop. Sounds funny huh?.....Complacency is contagious and its a horrible disease to catch. From time to time I find myself in a stupor of a pickle and its not an intentional feeling you just find yourself dwindling in a certain space, a certain position and thats where I have been for the (sigh) last few years and I now realize a portion of this complacency partly stems from fear. Fear is all relative but boy is it a MFer. I stayed because I was guaranteed a good paycheck. I mastered the art of bullshitting on the phone so well I did it during naps in front of my computer. "I love you boy" "when we gon do it" "Im upset with you" text messages while apologizing about some crap that wasnt my fault. I truly was in my comfort zone. Still am because I still work there only difference is, is now that is on the backburner to what I think I want to do now. I truly will never know what I want to do but im taking a chance on this and failure is not an option. Too much is riding on this and besides I cant fail. Failure is not trying something out and having the desired outcomes. Thats called trail &error. All youve merely done is found another something that doesnt work that way. What failure is is NOT trying, not giving yourself a chance to succeed. Spending nights wondering "If I did this XYZ time ago I wonder...." Those days for me are over. Theres a bible verse that always stood out to me to the point that I crossed out Abrams name and put my name in his place.

Genesis 12: 1-3

1 The LORD had said to Abram (Farrah), "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.
2 "I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.
3 I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you."

Says alot because when you step out on your own, you have no choice but to succeed. All you have is you and GOD. Its easy to stay in a comfortable surrounding, stay in what you know. I dare you to step out. My current position allows me to put me first. Do some soul searching knowing that finding myself will in actuality be me putting my son first. That now makes money making my 3rd option for now. Theres a season for everything and right now my season is designed for self discovery.


Ego tripping....Yea I gotta be bold, gotta have tough skin. This journey isnt for the weak or insecure. You have to be secure in yourself bc THE CREATOR went out of his way to make us all different but we all fight to be the same. One girl get her lip pierced......everybody got it. 1 dude rocked skinny jeans and now everyone is rocking them. I dare you to stand out and be different and im okay with getting the side eye. You'll eventually catch on like you always do

Hotep

I closed my eyes and I unplugged.....

The time have come where it really is time for a change. I have decided to delete my Myspace. Though it hasnt been used in ages, I got attached to the comfort of knowing that it was there. I really dont see a need for it anymore besides exposing my Santana and showing my ass figuratively and literally. Anyone that knows me know that Farrah is all about embracing change. I was going over this in my mind and No I didnt meditate on it. Growth kinda solidifys change when it is time. This change was always in the making and it took for Neo to unplug from the Matrix. I prepared for the deletion by creating a Facebook and I HATE it. Ironic huh? Never considered making one and with my back being against the wall I did and the experience is horrible. Im running into old highschool friends that have gotten fat and just all weird with beards. People that I forgot about or didnt even care to hear from again are now coexistent online. Some of the biggest dorks are still irrelevant and all the highschool shones are now church women. Like we can really forget about you doing the whole football team in the boys locker room (fact, not rumor) just because you now keep a bible avatar and scriptures on your wall....ANYWAYS, I have adopted the nature of the American Indian where silence doesnt mean lack of interest or disrespect it infact means the opposite. It is because I respect each and every last one of you guys that Im going through with this. Not just the Myspace but social websites period. Nothing personal if this is your "thing" I just realized that if it werent for Myspace, Facebook, blackplanet (do ppl still use this website?), Moco/Mogo space?? and whatever social site is out (im still liking twitter, but evidently that too must also go)would I want to know if Ben and Laury made it through highschool? Do I really want to compliment on your pictures? I was taught that if you dont have nothing nice to say, dont say anything at all. Actually I was never taught this, I just know that I shouldnt tell you that your daughter got the ugliest widows peak and and all your worst features....Im getting off subject, Im just realizing that there are a select few that I make it my duty to call, text, email, plan outtings with on a regular bases. Those who never needed the K.I.T message because we never lost touch and im realizing that theres a reason why some of them didnt make it to my future. How they got lost in the cracks of "i'll call u backs" and "I got a new phone must update the new numbers". Anything, something that indicates youre much more than a page a phony message and an occasional shout out on your comments and No I will never select the No option when you comment on my page "Do you like me?" Theres a reason that you didnt make it into my future, why you dont know whats happening in my life now and most importantly why we are no longer friends. Friend back then carried a different meaning. The adolecent age (12-19) development task is Identity vs. Confusion. That means youre young at the stage, still trying to come to terms with who you are and what role you will play in this society. Believe me, I am far from confused about who I am and what I am to do. I needed these friends then, they comforted me when my mom wouldnt let me get a relaxer back then. They stood in line with me when the new Js came out and rocked them first to class, and if we didnt wear them first, we didnt want them. And now I realized, im good. I dont need these people to validate me, Im well past knowing if the thoughts that I do think are the right ones, if the decisions I make will have me standing alone? I have in all honesty outgrown you, congrats on the new babys, congrats on the new wife, the wedding. You my friend have done your part So why am I trying to hold on to my youth? im a woman now...its my SUNs turn to SHINE. You people have served your purpose and have served it well. I dont need a congregation. I now move in silence...blessings, adieu whatever, however this is my final goodbye

Jump in the air (stay there)

In an industry where it is easy to be another Beyonce with meaningless content, E.badu proves to us the reason why she is everlasting and more influential then I think that she even knows. She stands out with her creative individualism and dare I say BOLD silent manuevers. You know videos and messages like this get no mainstream play so enjoy Her newest video;



Now whats hot is that she pays homage to the womb-man in an inconspicuous manner. Being that this is a mans world women do not often get the praise or honor that she deserves. The womb-man is the light bringer and its awesome to see her share/shed light on Wayne in the time that he needs it most.. So in the text of Badu

FREE WAYNE

These are a few of my favorite things....

We struggle. I mean we really work HARD. Its hard to give thanks to and for the things that you really work for/towards. Ever heard KISS (keep it simple stupid)? That is my motto. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. AKA instead of being upset about getting to work late, look at it as an excuse to not deal with that BS customer that you just knew would send your day down a terrible dark path for 8hrs. Through the hustle and bustle of our day to day we forget to truly smile. Im just giving back to the things that have me smiling when I think about them. What are some of your favorite things? What gets you high (naturally, that it)? I have plenty more but I didn’t wanna drag this out… know that even with this list im making at work on my lunch break I get a strong nostalgic feeling that washes over me and have me warm and in an unexplainable comfort zone. So enjoy the list:


· My Santana’s Face
· Untangled Fro
· His boxers ON ME
· Blue Papermate Pen
· Anticipation
· Running in the rain
· Running….period
· Finding money in your pocket
· Just Because
· Baking goodies with the little ones
· My Santana smile
· Blue bag of Skittles
· Contagious Laughter
· The color purple (not the movie)
· Colorful socks
· A school girl crush
· Destiny's Child T~Shirt
· the perfect this to go with that
· Learning
· BUILDING
· Warm back rubs
· Early Morning Love making
· pedicured toes
· Watching the Sunrise
· Star gazing
· A clean bathroom
· Purple bag of skittles
· Snow Angels
· Being WOKE
· PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE
· Swing contest on the playground
· Him playing in my hair
· Family play time
· A good listener
· Laughing just because
· A pencil with an eraser that doesn’t leave stains
· Truth
· 2-ply
· Enough Time
· A warm hoodie with dark shades
· A&F (phuck it)
· A sneeze
· Dreams
· Snuggling
· Crocheting
· Feeling that first kick
· Great workout
· Saturday morning cartoons and cereal in a huge salad bowl
· Warm gooey chocolate chip cookies and ice cold soy milk
· A rainbow
· Mary Poppins and all childhood musicals
· Meaningful Poetry
· Paid Vacations
· Shopping without a budget
· Full tank of gas
· Endless possibilities
· TRUTH
· Leaving work
· Justice
· Quiet storm
· A high quality banana clip
· Hour lunches
· Yawn
· Pretty Panties
· Traveling
· Girls nite in
· Being catered to
· Catering to him
· Bubble baths
· Destroyed jeans
· Write, relate, release
· Enticing book
· Destroyed Jeans
· Lifestyle changes
· That after workout burn
· Reminiscing
· High Quality digital camara
· Stilettos’
· Lil Debbie Snacks
· Playing Punch Buggy
· Conciousness
· Being aware
· Yoga
· Chocolate covered strawberries
· Godiva
· Vanilla bean fraps with extra whipped crème
· Giddy- Laughter
· Enough toilet paper in a public bathroom (feeling like Elaine)
· Following out a plan
· Warm gain scented sheets
· Moving into your own place
· The beach
· The beach
· The beach (I love the water)
· Success
· Following out a plan
· Realizing that Im truly in love with myself

Loving you...

Not a fan of Valentine's day (or most holidays for that matter). Now I enjoy candy, chocolate, roses and tokens of love. I just dont see the point in having 1 day designated to showing love when love should be exemplified everyday through action and No, im not hurt, angry, bitter, lonely or whatever cliche fits the black woman today, It was a concious decision to not celebrate it. Im not here to preach or force thoughts or belief (research the origin of Saint Valentines day) just sharing. Now if V-days intention was in the right place, then by all means I would celebrate. Thinking about how they get u when youre young with candy and treats and inconspicuous cards with lolli-pops and not one message conveys the pertinant piece of the equation is you. All the physicalities explored without having an understanding of the emotional. So now we have a whole heap of people running around purchasing gifts for others without the first clue of how to love themselves. This isnt the case for all but we look outward for whats supposed to shine inside out and draw this person in. For those celebrating Valentine remember the ones you love and most importantly remember you. While yall using tonight as an excuse to experiment ill be breaking out the lingerie and whip cream because its the norm and we dont need no holiday to get it in!! *wink*

Lets be honest

So when I decided to create this blog my 1st thought; I have so many questions and so many thoughts on life in general and I know I mustn't be alone. Thought 2; I will create a forum and its going to be huge and its going to make a difference. I even vowed to write everyday. THEN there was a test, then rearranging, and then "" and then "" and after 2days the everyday thing kinda fell through. Even for me to sit down and create the last blog was a toughy. I had all the pictures, what I wanted to say mentally noted and even the sidebars for the smiles, the only thing I didn't have was time. So back to the drawing board. I know the direction that I would love to go with this. No set line. Just normal day to day stuff and ummmm yea building. Realizing it will not be overnight. Dont fret, if you don't hear from me in a couple of days its only because I am experiencing life. When I come back I promise I will have something relatively good to share. Till next time!!!!